Marriage In The Midst Of Miscarriage
It happened to us, and it may have happened to you. I know that it hurts, but please hear this: you do not have to hurt alone. Your marriage will make it through the pain of this miscarriage. Your spouse is with you. It is imperative that you recognize the weight and necessity of choosing to have naked conversations through this messy circumstance.
You need to share how you’re feeling with your spouse.
Share everything you’re feeling with your spouse. If you are a wife reading this, you are most likely having a wildly different experience through the miscarriage than your husband is having. I was much more aware of the baby than my husband was. My body experienced the beginning changes, and I physically felt every ounce of pain through the loss. I miscarried at five and a half weeks. Since I was not far along, we had not yet had an ultrasound or appointment.
My husband did not physically feel the difference or see the baby, so his experience was incredibly contrasting to mine. Your experience might contrast your spouse’s and that is okay—good even. Sharing the experience together will develop a deep connection and foster more growth than you could possibly anticipate. Healing is a continuous process; sharing your emotional experience through the miscarriage with your spouse will be ongoing.
Husbands, I encourage you to ask your wife what she is thinking and feeling.
Provide a safe space for her to be. Make sure she knows you are there for emotional support. Wives, be sure to speak up. Tell your husband when you’re tearing up because someone announced a pregnancy or you saw something that triggered your emotions about the miscarriage. Although your spouse may not be feeling the same things as you, they are here to support you in this journey. Share openly with the intent of emotional connection, growth, and healing.
The times when I kept my emotions to myself, it would end up translating into anger or frustration, which usually spilled over into our marriage. But when I took the courageous step to say, “Our baby would have been born this week and I’m really sad about that” my husband was able to respond and embrace me, making him a part of my healing process. We were able to heal together rather than grow apart.
Everybody hurts differently.
I can stub my toe and cry for several minutes, whereas my husband can immediately shake it off. My husband can get a cold and lay on the couch whining all day, whereas I proceed with normal life simply taking tissues everywhere I go. Though you are both in the same situation going through a singular loss, you might experience your hurt differently. Remember that this is okay.
Learn to clearly state your needs in this time.
If you need to be held, simply ask. Your spouse cannot give you what you need if you never ask. Even when we are listening, we can sometimes be clueless to what our spouse actually needs. Mother’s Day was pretty close after my miscarriage and I asked my husband to take me out to breakfast and help make the day fun, because that was something I needed. Figure out what you need and ask for it. Be sure to offer your help to your spouse. Be readily available to meet their needs and provide any comfort you can.
Come to accept your emotions.
In fact, accept both of your emotions. Embrace what you and your spouse are feeling in this time. If you are sad, take the time to be somber. If you are angry, find a way to engage with and release that anger. If you are relieved, ask yourself why. Be unafraid in unmasking your emotions through this life event. Journal through it. Accept your emotions, because this will lead to healing. Accept your spouse’s emotions, to bring healing to your marriage in the midst of miscarriage.
Written by Heather Christy
Heather Christy lives in Arizona with her husband Daniel. She is passionate about writing, reading, emotional growth and self-awareness. She enjoys coffee and honest conversation. She aspires to encourage marriages and love others through her writing.