Help... we have different sex drives!
A common issue for many couples that results in frustration and disharmony is missing the beat with your sex drive.
One wants it more than the other creating a sense of rejection and loneliness every time a pass is batted away. Then you have the other person who wants it less and now feels like its a chore or marital duty.
Reality is that you will rarely be on the same level, so how do you keep this sensitive issue from ruining other areas of your relationship? Here are some things to keep in mind so that your different sex drives don't wreak havoc on your marriage.
Start asking for what you want instead of complaining about what you don't have.
We cannot stress this enough...tell your spouse how you like to be touched and what turns you on. They are not mind readers. Be specific and very explicit. Do not sit there silently or verbally protesting about the problems, rather in love, communicate early and often.
Quality over quantity is most important.
Some couples are content with having sex once a week while others prefer 3-5 times per week. What matters is that you're both enjoying it and connecting on a deeper level. Quality is the key when it comes to sex! Try things like making eye contact when you orgasm, affirm each other on their looks, and spend time snuggling afterwards.
Don't base your marriage only on sex.
Sex is just one ingredient towards intimacy. Just because you are not doing it like bunnies, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Cultivate a spirit of fondness, compassion, tenderness, respect and a solid friendship to go the distance. If you need help getting “out of your head” in the bedroom so you can be more present in the moment, check out our blog 3 Ways to Get Over Your SEXpectations.
Look at your emotional connection, not just your physical.
If you're having a hard time building physical intimacy, be sure to find ways to improve your emotional intimacy. Go on date nights, take frequent walks, ask open ended questions, stay curious about each other. Invest in your marriage, by picking up a great book to read together, or sign up for a marriage retreat.
Stop Making Excuses.
We make time for the things that matter most in life. If you're not in the mood because you're too tired, then start saying no to things so you can have enough energy for your sex life. Show your spouse you care by making the time to be intimate.
Ask yourself: What sexual baggage did you bring into the marriage?
Perhaps your parents shamed you by telling you sex was bad and harmful, then you get married and somehow all the scripting over the years is supposed to vanish in one magical wedding night. These scriptings can be tough to overcome. Talk openly with each other about your views of sex before you got married. If there was severe emotional trauma related to abuse or addictions, seek out a trained counselor to walk through these sensitive issues.
Go out there and have the wildest sex of your life. Married sex is the best as we move from immature self focused sex to mature giving and receiving of this precious gift!