3 Ways to Get Over Your SEXpectations


I’m just going to get real with you:

I can’t tell you how many times sex has been ruined for me because I’m stuck in my head. Sex-pectations are a very real thing and if they are left unexplored or unspoken, they can be dangerous for your sex life or worse… they can end up hurting your spouse and your marriage. If you’re stuck in your head and have some sexpectations that are keeping you from being fully engaged sexually, or emotionally, then here are 3 things you can to do help:

1. Have a Naked Conversation

When you fake it, you are only hurting yourself. In order for you and your partner to resume having satisfying sexual experiences together that really connect you… you have to be emotionally vulnerable and share that you are struggling. Your partner may have absolutely no idea you are feeling stuck… or they may have been keeping to themselves how stuck they feel, too. Either way, you have to talk it out. A conversation like this is particularly delicate, so approach it delicately.

If you need a little bit of help starting out, try saying something like this: “Baby, I love you so much and I want you to know that making time for sex is really important to me and I love getting to be close to you that way. Lately, I’ve been feeling really stuck sexually and I was wondering if we could have an open conversation about our sex life? I want to work through where I’m struggling so that we can be even closer and both feel pleasure and connection.”

Then… share your heart. The goal of this conversation is connection, so make sure that you are straightforward, but also gentle. For example… instead of saying “You’re not pleasuring me or making me feel good,” say, “It makes me feel so loved when you try new things in bed because it makes me feel like you care about pleasing me. However, the last position you tried was challenging for me; can we think of something new to try together?”

2. Spice it up!

Sometimes all you need to spice up your sex life is to try something new! So buy some new toys, new lingerie, try a new room in the house, or a different position to try together. Ask each other open-ended questions about some fantasies either of you may have, or about what you can do to take the heat to the next level. Sometimes all it takes to get out of your own head is to put all of your focus on your partner and pleasuring them is a great way to do that!

3. Make connection the goal… not an orgasm!

It is really easy to get stuck in your head if all you are focused on is bringing your spouse (or yourself) to orgasm. So here’s a perspective-changer… the true goal of sex should be deeper connection with each other and if that’s the goal and focus of your experience, then an orgasm will be a much welcomed bi-product of your intimate time together and it will come much more naturally. So, relax and melt into each other. Focus on eye contact and being present in the moment. Try to connect heart-to-heart, and not just skin-to-skin. Once you do, you’ll find that sex becomes more what you’re looking for and less what you’re afraid of.